The scalpel cometh May 11 to worketh magic

Yesterday I spent 4 hours at Kaiser Woodland Hills where I work and will have surgery. The ortho dr reviewed again with me what might go wrong in the surgery. I blocked that out thinking of all the good food I want to eat when I get home post op. Chocolate yogurt with mini choc chips, salmon dinners with mashed spuds, liverwurst sandwiches made with Best Foods Real Whole Egg Mayonnaise and crisp lettuce. I snapped out of daydreaming when he said, "OK lie on the table and let me see something". He proceeded to twist and turn my right leg into positions it hasn't seen since I was 29 and square dancing. Crapola! It hurt! He did apologize for the pain, but said he had to know what muscles I still have left there. Then he made me stand on blocks under the left foot to see leg length difference; they are about 1/2 inch different, and I may need a left shoe lift after I recover. Then he said any questions, and I asked how many hip surgeries he does in one day and he said usually 3 but he will only do 2 next Friday because I might take longer than usual. He has to dig into the hip first before he can make decisions as to what size femur head ball to use, and what thickness socket liner to use, and whether to fracture and cut the femur and tighten the muscles to minimize leg length discrepancies. At that point I says, "OK!! So we are DONE here, I am ready for surgery, and I trust you and let's go for it."
I just wanted him to shut up, do this thing, and stop describing how he will wretch the femur head out of the socket and whack the hell out of muscles etc etc etc. When I was a kid having polio surgeries, I didn't have to know any details! I just had to show up, get surgitized, and then go home to recover without pissing Mom off too much. Now, the dr is giving me too much information!! ;))) I just want to get this over with, get the hell home, and figure out how to wipe me own buttocks after a dump. The "rules" say to not bend at the hips; ya cannot lean forward to make the hip and torso angle smaller than 90 degrees. YOU, dear reader, try to wipe yer butt without leaning forward. Is it doable? I think not.
I just might have to be smelly-butt-stinky-poo unless I humble myself and pay Jordan to wipe me.
So, to continue this saga, I had to get an EKG, donate pee in a cup to the lab; sit thru a very BORING pre-op teaching by a Chinese nurse; I could not understand a word she said except, "AH, I see yuuu here have surgaree soooon, nek weeee, riiii? O.K. I ter yuuu wha yuuu neee to noo, O.K.? Yuuu wrii yuu name heer dees foor pagges, and den I tak too yuu moor. O.K.?" I nodded "yes" like mad as she talked.
So I pretended to read 4 pages of crap, signed them, and put Lucy in reverse to back out of her office, but she caught me and wouldn't let me go until she did her spiel. I kept thinking of M*A*S*H* episodes, but this cookie was Chinese not Korean.
I survived her then submitted my papers up at the call center at work so I can get paid my sick time, convert some vacation hours to sick pay, and with that and state disability, we should be able to afford to keep living whilst recovering. But if any of you want to send money gifts to Mike while I am out of work... feel free to do so. (make the amount have lots of zeros behind the other numbers!!) Before I left the call center some acquaintances of mine waved good-by-see-ya-later and said, " let us know which room you are in so we can visit you in the hospital. " I said, "OK if you want to see my ass hanging out of the back of an open hospital gown." Guess what?? They all went ""EEEEEEUUUUUUUU"! Go figure.
I am so ready for surgery!
later Dudes!