What will hurt next?

The hip healing continues well; tomorrow Mike will take me to Kaiser to have the annoying staples yanked out of the incision site... rip and burn; rip and burn... I anticipate that's what the staple removal will feel like. I may have TWO vicodin on board for that adventure! The last 2 days I've only taken one vicodin three times a day; the few days before that, I needed a tab 5-6 times per day, and during the night when I'd get up too. I was having horrible right shoulder pain and left back pain. Friday Kim gave me a scalp massage that was wonderfully relaxing,and she said I smiled the whole time, but when she massaged my shoulder to try to reduce the pain, she told me the brow furrowing was pronounced and didn't unfurrow even when she stopped touching me. She put me on a homeopathic sublingual tab of Arnica every 2 hours; she works with a homeopathic practitioner who told her that arnica is the only substance that won't potentiate coumadin. I was desperate to get rid of the shoulder pain, so I tried the arnica all weekend. Mike and the PT lady also lowered the grip handles on my walker so that when I use the walker more of my weight goes through the arms than right to the shoulders. and it all worked together to reduce the shoulder pain! Thank you, God. I'd gotten up crying in pain a few mornings due to that shoulder pain.
Now, the left back area screams at me intermittently; and the hip incision area sings out at intervals, and the lower back yells, "Hey! remember me??" and the right knee talks back after I do the exercises for the right leg.
For now, I am letting them all bitch all they want, I use heat or cold packs on various spots, and a well-timed vicodin slaps them all upside the head every 4 or 5 hours. All the parts will settle down in their own time.
I can feel my right leg getting stronger each day. I still need to be careful to do "hip precautions" when I move, but standing up is easier, and I think I put less weight on my arms when using the walker, altho I don't dare try to walk without it yet. I did sneak a try yesterday but could hardly move my legs without the arm support, so I will give that up for a few more days.
Yesterday I spilled my coffee and cried, and Mike cleaned it up so nicely without complaining, then an hour later I had a bathroom accident and cried, and Mike cleaned it up so nicely without complaining. Then he put Johnny Cash music on the stereo and went around the house like a Whirling Dervish cleaning everything. Mike is the BEST!!
Time to go rest again. Can only be vertical for a short spell, then all the parts tell me it is time to get horizontal again. so bye for now.

milestones

Many milestones reached in the last week. I can now get out of bed by myself, go to the head by myself, and get my own pain pills as needed. Hooray! Hurrah! and OhBoyGoodie! Another biggie is that Joan turned 60 over the weekend.
she is so excited to be 60! She kept saying, "60 is the new 90!", "60 is the new 90!". No one knew what the hell she meant; we are still trying to figure it out; we dasn't dare ask her what she means by that statement though, because we are likely to get a more confusing explanation and then we'd all wonder which ones of us really have senile dementia and which ones carry a full load of marbles still. We are at that "don't ask don't tell" stage where we all suspect each other of being demented, but are afraid to confront others for fear of being exposed ourselves. So we avoid that boondoggle for the time being.
I am going to try to post 2 photos with this entry now. If I screw it up, the entry will seem incomplete, so forgive me, I am on drugs.

This ain't fun, but tis interesting.

Hi all, tis Ol' JRK meself here this morning; finally able to sit at the desktop PC for a short time and connect again. Thanks to all of you who've called, sent cards or flowers, or emails... each one has brightened my days and made me glad to know you took the time to let me know you be thinking of me. I can feel the prayer support so strongly; it would be impossible for me to be this content and calm if it were left up to my own weak soul to sustain me. With the prayer support of family and friends, I know The Lord is with me, The Spirit reminds me of that fact, and the angels are working 24/7 to block the fiery darts of discouragement, self-pity, etc that can sneak into one's soul in such a time as this. Thank YOU, Jesus, for holding me in the palm of your hand!!!
Today I expect the OT, PT and lab people to show up. I am still on blood thinner due to the blood clot in 1999, so the blood level still has to be monitored frequently post op. The OT lady wants to work on "getting stuff out of the fridge" soon. The PT lady wants to me walk to the drive-way today. All huge goals I am sure. I am experiencing severe right shoulder pain at times due to using my arms so much to move around in bed, sit up, stand up, use the walker; and I have a left back pain problem that comes from who-knows-where; it is so severe that just touching it can make me cry. PT says it is a "lat" muscle, and I need to apply ice to shoulder and back frequently. Then there are those "exercises" for right leg to do... some are easy, some are a bitch and hurt the knee. But all in all, the recovery is going along as it should for me I reckon. It ain't fun, but it is interesting!
Just have 2 words for you before I go: PROTECT YOUR HIPS... so you won't need a replacement someday.
later,
Gr Jayne

Laugh with us, not at us!

Joan here again. O.K., I just HAVE to tell this. Don't tell me that funny things don't happen even when someone is seriously recouperating from a major event. When I got to Jayne's this afternoon, she told me this story and I laughed myassoff and so did she. Mike didn't. Here it is: Recently, Mike has been going to church with longtime family friend Joe. But instead of leaving Jayne to go to church today, Mike told Joe to come over, they'd do a little Bible study and Mike would fix breakfast. However, Jayne got up fairly early and by the time Joe came over, she had to go back to bed. She had her cell phone with her and the plan was she'd call the home phone in the kitchen if she needed anything. Her bedroom door was shut so she could rest peacefully in quiet solitude. After a while, she had to use RR, so she dialed the phone. Mike and Joe were sizzling bacon, talking, and didn't answer it. Jayne leaves this message: "This is the patient in room 101 A, and I need help!" The men hear the muffled message, think it is ME calling from MY house and being funny, so they IGNORE it! Jayne sits up on the side of the bed waiting for Mike to come in and watch her get up so she feels safer, but no one comes in! She wonders, "What-the-hell?" FINALLY, in comes Mike with a plate of food and says cheerfully, "Here's your breakfast!" She asks him, "Didn't you hear my phone call?" and he tells her he thought it was Joan and he could call me later. Now I'm not tellin this story to embarrass anyone, I am tellin it for the laugh factor. Ya'al gotta admit that it is funny as all get out, and no one got hurt! Jayne says the next time they set up the "phone system" and she has to leave a message, well, let's just say it will be a "LOUD unmistakably Jayne message" that Mike will be sure to recognize. ............about Jayne: mornings are hard as she is pretty stiff and in pain after sleeping all night, but it gets a wee bit better in the afternoon after getting up a few times and doing those exercises. She was in good spirits when I saw her this afternoon. I will be there everyday this week, too, unless Mike kicks me out and Jayne gets sick of me! bye for now

Happy week-end all

Jayne coerced me into blogging again for her. She is on her bed now doing her list of exercises and watching t.v. She gets up to kitchen table 2 or 3 times a day for about 45 minutes. Yesterday she stood at kitchen sink for a shampoo. She is careful with the walker and slow and steady. She gets into and out of bed by herself now. her leg cramps up sometimes, but a few hollars and hoots and it goes away. Neighbor Dan brought over some freshly baked brownies, but Jordan and I ate them and we wouldn't give Jayne any. We did, however, tell her how good they tasted. Maybe next week we will give her the donut she's been craving and let her have a bite of chocolate. but for now it is healthy food that doesn't make her cough or stuff up. it is for her own good, right??? She is listening to music, laughing her arse off at funny movies, and doing everything right to recover. She doesn't think she is doing as well as we tell her she's doing, but that's a nurse for ya! One week since surgery and countin', and things are looking good. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and for being in her corner, pullin' for her recovery. She can't sit at this computer and type yet, but soon, soon, soon,.....Have a great week-end, Joan.

THEY think I'm doing good, but....

Hi everyone. Joan here. Jayne's making me do this blog again. When asked, "What should I write?", Jayne said, "They keep telling me I am doing fine, but these exercises suck, I'm still tired, it really hurts in the morning to get moving...."
Right now, Jayne is reading the card of exercises the PT gal gave her, and she is on her bed doing them. She stood at the kitchen sink for a shampoo yesterday. She is doing everything right toward a speedy recovery. She has mentioned how good a donut and chocolate would taste, but I nixed that! Vitamins and good food are her diet, altho Mike brought us both a Taco Bell surprise for lunch yesterday. Maybe a donut next week IF she behaves. She is watching funny movies and laughin her arse off inbetween naps. Two or three trips to the kitchen table each day and staying for about 45 minutes are the limit so far. Bed is still the most comfortable place to sit/lay, exercise and move the legs, listen to music and watch the telly. She is getting in and out of bed by herself, and that alone is a plus. Oh, and she wants you to know that the neighbor baked some brownies, brought them over, and Jordan and I ate them and wouldn't give Jayne any. (it's not that we are cruel, it's for her own good) So if ya want to send anything, make it a box of Dunkin'Donuts, since they closed all the Krispy Kremes around here. Jayne is feeling your prayers and good thoughts. Thank you for your support and love. maybe I'll write again if Jayne whines and makes me do it. she can't yet sit comfortably at the computer...soon, soon, soon. have a great week-end!

Home Sweet Home

Sing the tune everyone.......
Home, Home, on the Range... where the walker and commode-chair look strange.....
Where seldom is heard, an intellegent nerd (except me),
And the furniture all had to rearrange. o.k., ya got me drift??? I am HOME FREE!
Mike and Joan got me home about half past noon today. Two steps up, and I was in-da-house! Yaaahhhhoooo. NOW I expect I can sleep better and eat what taste good. However, I don't know about the help I have. Today, after I was home and settled in bed for a nap, the door shut, the fan on, I got tangled in the covers so I whistled my ear splitting whistle. Joan, on the phone in the kitchen, couldn't hear it, Mike running in and out of garage and doing laundry, thought it was the washing machine, so he looked inside it each time he heard a whistle, sooo finally I yelled as loud as I could.......and both of them finally heard me! If we didn't laugh our asses off about that! (I cuda died in those covers...just kiddin.) They are taking good care of me, and Joan otta know, cause she's writin this!. Her final entry. She refuses to do more while I lounge around in bed,, so it is her way of getting me to get up and move! So if ya don't see a new blog for a few days,, don't give up, gosh #%@!&*^% darn it...I WILL BE BACK SOON! It's a great life. Thank you Lord for carrying me thus far. I will be sleeping a lot and "working out" (just getting up for meals and potty breaks is a workout) and don't worry if I don't answer the phone because everyone should know that I didn't answer the phone BEFORE surgery. I figure that if the answering machine fairies invented those machines, and we were dumb enough to buy them,,,,, then we should USE the dang tings, right? or else we are just crappin our hard earned money away on useless junk and makin the fairies rich and ourselves poor and people are starving in China so eat your lima beans!
or I'll haveta give ya a crack! nighty nite

72 hours and countin

Another yo-yo day. Practice standing, walking, sit on pot, sit in chair, get headache, puke, back to bed. IV fluids were reconnected to help hydrate me and get yucky meds out of my system. Hospital food still wins the "crap award" of the century. Mike brings me a hot mochacoffee in the morning and was here to see PT and talk to doc. Then he had to go home and run a job. Joan brings my favorite sandwiches: a tuna and a turkey with cranberry. I show her how I can stand up with walker and amble a few feet around the room. and by the way, no, I am not lying here with a laptop on my knees. The ghost-rider in the sky is doing this job, however reluctantly, and identity will never be revealed. But I WILL tell you that ghost rider is the most beautiful, facinating, giving, loving, person in the world, albeit a wee bit of a braggart! anyway, God has His arms around me and time is flying by, even tho it doesn't seem like it, and since God is CRAZY about me, He will keep me on the recovery road. and don't forget: God is CRAZY about you, too!
He loves us all so much, and THAT keeps me going. So God's blessings to all of you and I hope to fire the gohost-rider soon as I get home, because frankly, she ain't no blogger!

48 hours later.....

A new day dawning......IV came out. PT got me up. Walked 2 steps out of my door with walker, then back in again. Sat in chair for 2 hours. Sat on pot for 2 hours... just kidding, that was only a few mins. Few bites of breakfast and lunch, altho what they try to pass off for food is a big joke.....either that or else I had my taste buds altered during surgery....weeelll, I admit that mashed spuds and gravy were good. I had Mike go down to cafeteria and buy me a tuna sandwich. Will try that soon. Feeling "mucho major hoy". Looking forward to watching Survivor finale tonight to see who wins the million, unless I fall asleep and snore thru it like my old roommate,(o.k. enough about her) Had visitors today and was glad. Joan recognized 2 of my nurses that took care of her when she was in for gall bladder surgery. I like me private room and with door closed, I don't hear the clatter. My "mantra" is, " drink, drink, drink, pee,pee,pee, breathe, breathe, breathe". Mike is coming back tonight. He had to go home and mow the lawn so he can be here early tomorrow and wait for PT and doctor to come in. Maybe I know more of the plan then about how long I might stay here. Happy Mothers' Day to all...have whisky in yer coffee for me and have a great day! and don't forget the whipped cream! (You know it sounds goooooood, admit it!!!!!) I can see you lookin for the bottle now!!! bye

First 24 hours

It's been a whole 24 hours since I was wheeled out of recovery. Wish I could fastforward time to 24 days. I am in a private room now, not the same room nor phone number on last blog. The roommate had t.v. blaring all night even when she was SNORING. Now if those tings keep me awake, it will be me making the racket. Hoping to sleep for real from now on. Had hot turkey for lunch and it was good, but roast for dinner was yuck. oh, guess what? if I try to move.......it hurts! oh yeah, I think I remember that that was likely to happen. Pain meds are helping. I received a pint of my own blood back today. platelettes had a welcome-back party and all were doin a jig. Mike showed up again at 3 this afternoon. I had him tell family to not come to see me today. maybe tomorrow be better. I got all cleaned up and took all pills doc ordered. and Mike stayed til about 7 P.M. Thank God for Mike, doctors, pills, nurses male and female, advances in medical procedures, pills, electric beds, pills, family, friends and did I mention pills? Long may they do their jobs!!!! and God's blessings to you all. Thank you for the prayers and thoughts and encouragements. Now I tink I'll go see the insides of my eyelids and see what my brain is dreaming about tonight. Nite ya'all.

O What a Night

Thanks to my lovely roommate, just call me "Sleepless in Woodland Hills". Good news is: she's being discharged today, ssoooo maybe I will get some rest. Last night, Mike said he'd be back around noon, but he had a premonition and showed up at 8 A.M. to find me in pain and wanting my own room. After turning on my side, breakfast, and pain med, it was better. Then the PT peeps arrived to get me up. Mike was able to observe the detailed process I have to go thru to sit up. Only about 72 movements involved. Can I remember them in all, in order, every time??? Right hand on walker, left hand on bed, or is it the other way around? I sat. I stood. I turned pale. I puked. I lay down again. PT will be back tomorrow. I will be ready. I can do this. Your prayers will lift me up on angel's wings. Mike will be back later this afternoon. Meanwhile, I will sleep, pray, and dream of walking Dublin someday, after I use my cane to prod the roommate's arse out the door.

SURGERY SUCCESS !!!!

I made it! Oh Happy Day!! 10 A.M.: Mike drove me to Kaiser. 10:30 to 1:30 I was in pre-op room thinkin "Let's git this show on the road". (longest three hours ever!) The nurse finally kicked Mike out, and gave me that sleep-potion thru the IV. Next thing I know, I am waking up in recovery and it is about 5 P.M. The doctor told Mike (and Joan, Kim, Jordan and Lorraine) that surgery was three hours and all went well. He took a little extra time to make sure the new leg would not be lengthened (a new hip can slightly lengthen a leg), but mine was already 1/2 inch longer than the polio leg and didn't need to be any longer!!!!! Doc was pleased with his work, as Mike said he smiled so big that they almost needed sunglasses to look at him. Mike asked him, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad was the hip?" He said, "8". At 6 P.M. I was in Room 4115 B, with visitors, (see above listed happy-supporters-who-helped-me-get-thru-this). Nurses will get me up tomorrow, but now I am all hooked up with vital signs doing well, and a pee-bag! I had a few ice chips, but am looking forward to breakfast tomorrow. I wanted to see the bandage, so Kim helped me look under covers while Joan and Jordan covered their eyes and said "eewwwwww".
The phone number to my bed is (818) 719-3659. If I don't answer, I am in the hall dancing with the janitors, or maybe in the crapper, or pushing the button that says T.V., radio, bed-up, bed-down, call-nurse on the phone/remote control thingy that does everything all on one handset. Hopefully I'll figure that thing out by Saturday morning. Thanks for your prayers and keep 'em comin till I'm chasin ya with my shillelagh!!!!!!!

Good Bye Old Hipster!

Tomorrow I check into Kaiser Hospital at 11 am. Cannot have anything to eat or drink after midnight tonight. I plan on watching The Office, (I hope it isn't another episode about wangers) and then replays of it on TiVo whilst stuffing my face and drinking meself silly until exactly midnight!! Where ever you are, join me in a Last Supper tonight, and give thanks that the old gal will be finally in surgery and away from this blog stuff!
What does blog mean anyways? it means web-log, but in reality it can stand for, as in my case, "Bitchy Ladies Old n Gray", or "By Lazy Old Geezers" , or .... make something else up if you dare.
It's been fun for me to blog, I have not really cared a rat's ass what the snide thoughts might have been by readers as they endured bathroom humor; I really have enjoyed the nice comments from those who've dared to respond; To the Bloggers I know and love... KEEP IT UP PLEASE! I just might return as well to continue blogging if I have to stay awhile longer in this world. Ghost writer, start your engine and sign in!!!
love you all, keep the prayers going in Thanksgiving to Our loving Lord, see you on the flip side!
Nurse Jayne

The Hip Talks!!

The last few days I've noted increasing right hip pain, not the usual right knee pain, but actual "in the HIP" pain. I believe it is telling me it agrees to be cut open, cleaned out, and repaired!! The last 2 years have been mostly the pain in the right knee driving me nuts, and the ortho dr telling me if he fixes the hip, the knee pain takes a powder. So, we'll see! Mobility impairment I will have til I dance in Heaven, but whatever days I have left here on this side of the Eternal Curtain, I'd be so thankful to spend them in less pain. (And my life is soooo easy!! I wonder what the poor people with REAL problems ask for??)
The new hip will need a name. My scooter is "Lucy", but what to call the new hip? "Ball-in-Socket"? "Baldie-in-a-cup"? "The Joint"? "New Hep Hip?" "Metal Ball"?
Any suggestions will be appreciated. It helps me if I name things I need as assistive devices. My old Kenny Stick crutches are "Righty and Lefty"; my shoe brace AFO is "Damn Plastic Thing", and my compression stockings (needed to lessen venous insufficiency since the blood clot in leg in 1999) are... well I just call them "You shittin' Things" because they are difficult to put on and at times painful to wear all day even tho they help a lot. In summer, the sox get another name because they are so hot to wear, but I shant tell that name because it really ain't nice.
Something really nice happened last week when I was at Kaiser doing pre-op stuff. I checked in at the anesthesia desk, and the clerk there looked familiar to me. We talked a bit and she remembered me from when we attended the Covenant Church. She told me she recalled when I gave a testimony/talk during a service once that she has thought about often. and told me what I'd said had helped her a lot each time she thought of it. I recall it was at Thanksgiving time, and I talked about Paul's admonition from Philippians to be anxious for nothing and in EVERY situation, to rejoice and give thanks always. That talk was about 20 years ago!!! Imagine that! It just reminded me that God's purposes for our lives can be far reaching and long lasting even tho we may never know it!! So keep on doing good, with joy and thanksgiving, whatever your situation in this life.

Happy Nurses Week to all!!

This is Nurses Week, and I want to say Thanks to ALL the nurses out there who've ever nursed someone back to health, or sat beside someone as they were dealing with illness, or spent months, days or hours next to a loved one while they were dying, or who ever took care of their own sorry self when they were ill! SO..... that includes ALL OF US!! A nurse can be defined as "someone who nurtures or fosters". The dictionary doesn't say you have to have a "licence" or a "degree" to do this. So to ANYONE reading this, I say, "Thanks for being a nurse!!". My primary nurse now is Mike. And he is the BEST ever! He thinks of things I need when I cannot think at all. It will be to Mike's credit and God's grace and mercy that I will recover well from surgery. Mike has made it easy for me to go to Kaiser to work 3 times a week for the past few years in spite of the leg problems; that's been my only job... Mike does everything else!! So, where would all we physically hapless people be without our nurses??? I thank God for you all! HAPPY NURSES WEEK!!! (This included you Joan, Kim and Jordan, even tho you want to puke at the thought of being a "nurse")

Thank You God for this life we enjoy!

Yesterday I went with Joan, Wendy and Cierra to The Groves and Farmers Market in LA. It looks so different now, but in the older sections of the Farmers Market, I could just picture my Dad and my Gram sitting at a table, enjoying the different foods and people watching. We went there so often with them when we were growing up! It was a treat to see it again and see the new part called The Groves. I spotted Officer Rapatti in her wheel chair so I went to thank her for sharing her story and being an example of courage to many people! She was so gracious and thanked me too! She is an LAPD officer who was shot while on duty by some punk; she ended up paraplegic. Extreme Home Makeover TV show redid her home for her and her little girl and husband; they set her up with a complete wheelchair accessible home! It was amazing. She is a beautiful lady and I hope God blesses her with much happiness in spite of her abrupt change in life and how she planned to live it. Any of us can have the course of our lives changed in the blink of an eye... by the weather, job loss,injury, illness, death. etc. I pity the people who cannot look to God in belief that He will be there in ALL situations, and that we are just here because of HIM. I am happiest when I can look up and say with absolute assurance, "Yes, this is a bitch, Lord, but show me how to get through this thing, and with your help, I will ultimately be content again".
So, it was so cool to see Officer Rapatti out and about. Later, we ate at a Deli in Hollywood... and what a lucky day! We saw Jon Lovitz (you know, the ol' SNL guy and actor who is a comedian and shouts and gestures wildy trying to be funny). He was sitting in a front booth when walked in the Deli, and he was sitting across from a blonde gal, and he was shouting at her and gesturing wildly, but looked serious. I was so hoping to see Tom Selleck or Mark Harmon, or Wilford Brimley or Steve Carrell, but , alas, they were not there. and I did look!! Beleive me. Anything to get the vision of Jon Lovitz off the brain.
A week ago Saturday, Joan went with me to a Bill Gaither and Friends concert at the Anaheim Ducks arena. Gaither has had much success showcasing the old Southern Gospel singers and Quartets, and I thank our friends Mikey and Colleen for introducing us to "Gaither " music a few years ago. The Gaither Vocal Band is great! So many of the old Gospel singers have gone Home to Heaven: The Goodmans, Jake Hess, Hovie Lister, Blackwood Borthers, and J.D. Sumner who sang with Elvis. Gaither sponsors new young groups and the best is Ernie Haas' Signature Sound! I love the Isaacs as well, and other solo singers Gaither sponsors. It was a great 4 hr concert, and the CDs and DVDs I have of that kind of music help me reduce pain and heal in many ways! That was a treat to see some of them in person last week.
Life is good during this season!

Volunteers

Here are my volunteers, standing at the ready for my homecoming post op! Thanks, Ladies!!
They don't come cheap tho'; they're union workers!

A great wipe solution!!

Thank you all for your supportive emails and good wishes! I just have to share this brilliant solution suggestion to one of my main concerns; it is from a professional health care/public servant we all know and love:


It took me just a second to figure out the wipeage delimea, but a couple of minutes passed before I decided to share to solutions!

Don't lean forward pass the 90 deg. point of no return alternate methods.

Option 1 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TANKAGE METHOD = Move forward on the leading edge of the pot, do not move to far forward else you may slide off and leave a big brown stain on the floor. Then reach (a 20 deg. bend backwards) back and wipe towards the water tank, the Tankage method!

Option 2 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TEN-HUT METHOD = Very quickly, as best you can with just having had hip replacement surgery, snap to your feet and stand tall while at the moment of reaching a full ten-hut posture reach back quickly and wipe. This again will require a 20 deg. backward motion, do not get excited and bend forward, this would totally defeat the Ten-Hut method. Draw back to this method, compression of the buttocks may make require the use of the best toilet paper known to mankind. Depending on what was ingested the day before it could be a war zone back there, as a result of the war zone possibility the method name was born, Ten-Hut!

Option 3 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TEAM WIPE = You use the same method as option 1 with an exception, instead of you wiping your own self, you get someone to reach back there and wipe for you. The draw back to this method, is two fold. One, at this point it is nearly impossible to find a team player, seems everyone you ask will be into solitaire. Two, if you do find someone to help you wipe, the mission may have been accomplished and your bottom is clean, but now you fell like a big horses ass!

Good Luck Jaynee, will be praying for you and I know the procedure is going to be great in the END.

(I am so loved!!! Thank you! But at this time I will not reveal the helpful person who sent me these suggestions. Not until he/she promises to not beat the crap out of me. jrk)

The scalpel cometh May 11 to worketh magic

Yesterday I spent 4 hours at Kaiser Woodland Hills where I work and will have surgery. The ortho dr reviewed again with me what might go wrong in the surgery. I blocked that out thinking of all the good food I want to eat when I get home post op. Chocolate yogurt with mini choc chips, salmon dinners with mashed spuds, liverwurst sandwiches made with Best Foods Real Whole Egg Mayonnaise and crisp lettuce. I snapped out of daydreaming when he said, "OK lie on the table and let me see something". He proceeded to twist and turn my right leg into positions it hasn't seen since I was 29 and square dancing. Crapola! It hurt! He did apologize for the pain, but said he had to know what muscles I still have left there. Then he made me stand on blocks under the left foot to see leg length difference; they are about 1/2 inch different, and I may need a left shoe lift after I recover. Then he said any questions, and I asked how many hip surgeries he does in one day and he said usually 3 but he will only do 2 next Friday because I might take longer than usual. He has to dig into the hip first before he can make decisions as to what size femur head ball to use, and what thickness socket liner to use, and whether to fracture and cut the femur and tighten the muscles to minimize leg length discrepancies. At that point I says, "OK!! So we are DONE here, I am ready for surgery, and I trust you and let's go for it."
I just wanted him to shut up, do this thing, and stop describing how he will wretch the femur head out of the socket and whack the hell out of muscles etc etc etc. When I was a kid having polio surgeries, I didn't have to know any details! I just had to show up, get surgitized, and then go home to recover without pissing Mom off too much. Now, the dr is giving me too much information!! ;))) I just want to get this over with, get the hell home, and figure out how to wipe me own buttocks after a dump. The "rules" say to not bend at the hips; ya cannot lean forward to make the hip and torso angle smaller than 90 degrees. YOU, dear reader, try to wipe yer butt without leaning forward. Is it doable? I think not.
I just might have to be smelly-butt-stinky-poo unless I humble myself and pay Jordan to wipe me.
So, to continue this saga, I had to get an EKG, donate pee in a cup to the lab; sit thru a very BORING pre-op teaching by a Chinese nurse; I could not understand a word she said except, "AH, I see yuuu here have surgaree soooon, nek weeee, riiii? O.K. I ter yuuu wha yuuu neee to noo, O.K.? Yuuu wrii yuu name heer dees foor pagges, and den I tak too yuu moor. O.K.?" I nodded "yes" like mad as she talked.
So I pretended to read 4 pages of crap, signed them, and put Lucy in reverse to back out of her office, but she caught me and wouldn't let me go until she did her spiel. I kept thinking of M*A*S*H* episodes, but this cookie was Chinese not Korean.
I survived her then submitted my papers up at the call center at work so I can get paid my sick time, convert some vacation hours to sick pay, and with that and state disability, we should be able to afford to keep living whilst recovering. But if any of you want to send money gifts to Mike while I am out of work... feel free to do so. (make the amount have lots of zeros behind the other numbers!!) Before I left the call center some acquaintances of mine waved good-by-see-ya-later and said, " let us know which room you are in so we can visit you in the hospital. " I said, "OK if you want to see my ass hanging out of the back of an open hospital gown." Guess what?? They all went ""EEEEEEUUUUUUUU"! Go figure.
I am so ready for surgery!
later Dudes!