Tomorrow I check into Kaiser Hospital at 11 am. Cannot have anything to eat or drink after midnight tonight. I plan on watching The Office, (I hope it isn't another episode about wangers) and then replays of it on TiVo whilst stuffing my face and drinking meself silly until exactly midnight!! Where ever you are, join me in a Last Supper tonight, and give thanks that the old gal will be finally in surgery and away from this blog stuff!
What does blog mean anyways? it means web-log, but in reality it can stand for, as in my case, "Bitchy Ladies Old n Gray", or "By Lazy Old Geezers" , or .... make something else up if you dare.
It's been fun for me to blog, I have not really cared a rat's ass what the snide thoughts might have been by readers as they endured bathroom humor; I really have enjoyed the nice comments from those who've dared to respond; To the Bloggers I know and love... KEEP IT UP PLEASE! I just might return as well to continue blogging if I have to stay awhile longer in this world. Ghost writer, start your engine and sign in!!!
love you all, keep the prayers going in Thanksgiving to Our loving Lord, see you on the flip side!
Nurse Jayne
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The Hip Talks!!
The last few days I've noted increasing right hip pain, not the usual right knee pain, but actual "in the HIP" pain. I believe it is telling me it agrees to be cut open, cleaned out, and repaired!! The last 2 years have been mostly the pain in the right knee driving me nuts, and the ortho dr telling me if he fixes the hip, the knee pain takes a powder. So, we'll see! Mobility impairment I will have til I dance in Heaven, but whatever days I have left here on this side of the Eternal Curtain, I'd be so thankful to spend them in less pain. (And my life is soooo easy!! I wonder what the poor people with REAL problems ask for??)
The new hip will need a name. My scooter is "Lucy", but what to call the new hip? "Ball-in-Socket"? "Baldie-in-a-cup"? "The Joint"? "New Hep Hip?" "Metal Ball"?
Any suggestions will be appreciated. It helps me if I name things I need as assistive devices. My old Kenny Stick crutches are "Righty and Lefty"; my shoe brace AFO is "Damn Plastic Thing", and my compression stockings (needed to lessen venous insufficiency since the blood clot in leg in 1999) are... well I just call them "You shittin' Things" because they are difficult to put on and at times painful to wear all day even tho they help a lot. In summer, the sox get another name because they are so hot to wear, but I shant tell that name because it really ain't nice.
Something really nice happened last week when I was at Kaiser doing pre-op stuff. I checked in at the anesthesia desk, and the clerk there looked familiar to me. We talked a bit and she remembered me from when we attended the Covenant Church. She told me she recalled when I gave a testimony/talk during a service once that she has thought about often. and told me what I'd said had helped her a lot each time she thought of it. I recall it was at Thanksgiving time, and I talked about Paul's admonition from Philippians to be anxious for nothing and in EVERY situation, to rejoice and give thanks always. That talk was about 20 years ago!!! Imagine that! It just reminded me that God's purposes for our lives can be far reaching and long lasting even tho we may never know it!! So keep on doing good, with joy and thanksgiving, whatever your situation in this life.
The new hip will need a name. My scooter is "Lucy", but what to call the new hip? "Ball-in-Socket"? "Baldie-in-a-cup"? "The Joint"? "New Hep Hip?" "Metal Ball"?
Any suggestions will be appreciated. It helps me if I name things I need as assistive devices. My old Kenny Stick crutches are "Righty and Lefty"; my shoe brace AFO is "Damn Plastic Thing", and my compression stockings (needed to lessen venous insufficiency since the blood clot in leg in 1999) are... well I just call them "You shittin' Things" because they are difficult to put on and at times painful to wear all day even tho they help a lot. In summer, the sox get another name because they are so hot to wear, but I shant tell that name because it really ain't nice.
Something really nice happened last week when I was at Kaiser doing pre-op stuff. I checked in at the anesthesia desk, and the clerk there looked familiar to me. We talked a bit and she remembered me from when we attended the Covenant Church. She told me she recalled when I gave a testimony/talk during a service once that she has thought about often. and told me what I'd said had helped her a lot each time she thought of it. I recall it was at Thanksgiving time, and I talked about Paul's admonition from Philippians to be anxious for nothing and in EVERY situation, to rejoice and give thanks always. That talk was about 20 years ago!!! Imagine that! It just reminded me that God's purposes for our lives can be far reaching and long lasting even tho we may never know it!! So keep on doing good, with joy and thanksgiving, whatever your situation in this life.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Happy Nurses Week to all!!
This is Nurses Week, and I want to say Thanks to ALL the nurses out there who've ever nursed someone back to health, or sat beside someone as they were dealing with illness, or spent months, days or hours next to a loved one while they were dying, or who ever took care of their own sorry self when they were ill! SO..... that includes ALL OF US!! A nurse can be defined as "someone who nurtures or fosters". The dictionary doesn't say you have to have a "licence" or a "degree" to do this. So to ANYONE reading this, I say, "Thanks for being a nurse!!". My primary nurse now is Mike. And he is the BEST ever! He thinks of things I need when I cannot think at all. It will be to Mike's credit and God's grace and mercy that I will recover well from surgery. Mike has made it easy for me to go to Kaiser to work 3 times a week for the past few years in spite of the leg problems; that's been my only job... Mike does everything else!! So, where would all we physically hapless people be without our nurses??? I thank God for you all! HAPPY NURSES WEEK!!! (This included you Joan, Kim and Jordan, even tho you want to puke at the thought of being a "nurse")
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Thank You God for this life we enjoy!
Yesterday I went with Joan, Wendy and Cierra to The Groves and Farmers Market in LA. It looks so different now, but in the older sections of the Farmers Market, I could just picture my Dad and my Gram sitting at a table, enjoying the different foods and people watching. We went there so often with them when we were growing up! It was a treat to see it again and see the new part called The Groves. I spotted Officer Rapatti in her wheel chair so I went to thank her for sharing her story and being an example of courage to many people! She was so gracious and thanked me too! She is an LAPD officer who was shot while on duty by some punk; she ended up paraplegic. Extreme Home Makeover TV show redid her home for her and her little girl and husband; they set her up with a complete wheelchair accessible home! It was amazing. She is a beautiful lady and I hope God blesses her with much happiness in spite of her abrupt change in life and how she planned to live it. Any of us can have the course of our lives changed in the blink of an eye... by the weather, job loss,injury, illness, death. etc. I pity the people who cannot look to God in belief that He will be there in ALL situations, and that we are just here because of HIM. I am happiest when I can look up and say with absolute assurance, "Yes, this is a bitch, Lord, but show me how to get through this thing, and with your help, I will ultimately be content again".
So, it was so cool to see Officer Rapatti out and about. Later, we ate at a Deli in Hollywood... and what a lucky day! We saw Jon Lovitz (you know, the ol' SNL guy and actor who is a comedian and shouts and gestures wildy trying to be funny). He was sitting in a front booth when walked in the Deli, and he was sitting across from a blonde gal, and he was shouting at her and gesturing wildly, but looked serious. I was so hoping to see Tom Selleck or Mark Harmon, or Wilford Brimley or Steve Carrell, but , alas, they were not there. and I did look!! Beleive me. Anything to get the vision of Jon Lovitz off the brain.
A week ago Saturday, Joan went with me to a Bill Gaither and Friends concert at the Anaheim Ducks arena. Gaither has had much success showcasing the old Southern Gospel singers and Quartets, and I thank our friends Mikey and Colleen for introducing us to "Gaither " music a few years ago. The Gaither Vocal Band is great! So many of the old Gospel singers have gone Home to Heaven: The Goodmans, Jake Hess, Hovie Lister, Blackwood Borthers, and J.D. Sumner who sang with Elvis. Gaither sponsors new young groups and the best is Ernie Haas' Signature Sound! I love the Isaacs as well, and other solo singers Gaither sponsors. It was a great 4 hr concert, and the CDs and DVDs I have of that kind of music help me reduce pain and heal in many ways! That was a treat to see some of them in person last week.
Life is good during this season!
So, it was so cool to see Officer Rapatti out and about. Later, we ate at a Deli in Hollywood... and what a lucky day! We saw Jon Lovitz (you know, the ol' SNL guy and actor who is a comedian and shouts and gestures wildy trying to be funny). He was sitting in a front booth when walked in the Deli, and he was sitting across from a blonde gal, and he was shouting at her and gesturing wildly, but looked serious. I was so hoping to see Tom Selleck or Mark Harmon, or Wilford Brimley or Steve Carrell, but , alas, they were not there. and I did look!! Beleive me. Anything to get the vision of Jon Lovitz off the brain.
A week ago Saturday, Joan went with me to a Bill Gaither and Friends concert at the Anaheim Ducks arena. Gaither has had much success showcasing the old Southern Gospel singers and Quartets, and I thank our friends Mikey and Colleen for introducing us to "Gaither " music a few years ago. The Gaither Vocal Band is great! So many of the old Gospel singers have gone Home to Heaven: The Goodmans, Jake Hess, Hovie Lister, Blackwood Borthers, and J.D. Sumner who sang with Elvis. Gaither sponsors new young groups and the best is Ernie Haas' Signature Sound! I love the Isaacs as well, and other solo singers Gaither sponsors. It was a great 4 hr concert, and the CDs and DVDs I have of that kind of music help me reduce pain and heal in many ways! That was a treat to see some of them in person last week.
Life is good during this season!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Volunteers
Here are my volunteers, standing at the ready for my homecoming post op! Thanks, Ladies!!
They don't come cheap tho'; they're union workers!
A great wipe solution!!
Thank you all for your supportive emails and good wishes! I just have to share this brilliant solution suggestion to one of my main concerns; it is from a professional health care/public servant we all know and love:
It took me just a second to figure out the wipeage delimea, but a couple of minutes passed before I decided to share to solutions!
Don't lean forward pass the 90 deg. point of no return alternate methods.
Option 1 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TANKAGE METHOD = Move forward on the leading edge of the pot, do not move to far forward else you may slide off and leave a big brown stain on the floor. Then reach (a 20 deg. bend backwards) back and wipe towards the water tank, the Tankage method!
Option 2 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TEN-HUT METHOD = Very quickly, as best you can with just having had hip replacement surgery, snap to your feet and stand tall while at the moment of reaching a full ten-hut posture reach back quickly and wipe. This again will require a 20 deg. backward motion, do not get excited and bend forward, this would totally defeat the Ten-Hut method. Draw back to this method, compression of the buttocks may make require the use of the best toilet paper known to mankind. Depending on what was ingested the day before it could be a war zone back there, as a result of the war zone possibility the method name was born, Ten-Hut!
Option 3 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TEAM WIPE = You use the same method as option 1 with an exception, instead of you wiping your own self, you get someone to reach back there and wipe for you. The draw back to this method, is two fold. One, at this point it is nearly impossible to find a team player, seems everyone you ask will be into solitaire. Two, if you do find someone to help you wipe, the mission may have been accomplished and your bottom is clean, but now you fell like a big horses ass!
Good Luck Jaynee, will be praying for you and I know the procedure is going to be great in the END.
(I am so loved!!! Thank you! But at this time I will not reveal the helpful person who sent me these suggestions. Not until he/she promises to not beat the crap out of me. jrk)
It took me just a second to figure out the wipeage delimea, but a couple of minutes passed before I decided to share to solutions!
Don't lean forward pass the 90 deg. point of no return alternate methods.
Option 1 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TANKAGE METHOD = Move forward on the leading edge of the pot, do not move to far forward else you may slide off and leave a big brown stain on the floor. Then reach (a 20 deg. bend backwards) back and wipe towards the water tank, the Tankage method!
Option 2 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TEN-HUT METHOD = Very quickly, as best you can with just having had hip replacement surgery, snap to your feet and stand tall while at the moment of reaching a full ten-hut posture reach back quickly and wipe. This again will require a 20 deg. backward motion, do not get excited and bend forward, this would totally defeat the Ten-Hut method. Draw back to this method, compression of the buttocks may make require the use of the best toilet paper known to mankind. Depending on what was ingested the day before it could be a war zone back there, as a result of the war zone possibility the method name was born, Ten-Hut!
Option 3 - THIS METHOD IS KNOW AS THE TEAM WIPE = You use the same method as option 1 with an exception, instead of you wiping your own self, you get someone to reach back there and wipe for you. The draw back to this method, is two fold. One, at this point it is nearly impossible to find a team player, seems everyone you ask will be into solitaire. Two, if you do find someone to help you wipe, the mission may have been accomplished and your bottom is clean, but now you fell like a big horses ass!
Good Luck Jaynee, will be praying for you and I know the procedure is going to be great in the END.
(I am so loved!!! Thank you! But at this time I will not reveal the helpful person who sent me these suggestions. Not until he/she promises to not beat the crap out of me. jrk)
Friday, May 04, 2007
The scalpel cometh May 11 to worketh magic
Yesterday I spent 4 hours at Kaiser Woodland Hills where I work and will have surgery. The ortho dr reviewed again with me what might go wrong in the surgery. I blocked that out thinking of all the good food I want to eat when I get home post op. Chocolate yogurt with mini choc chips, salmon dinners with mashed spuds, liverwurst sandwiches made with Best Foods Real Whole Egg Mayonnaise and crisp lettuce. I snapped out of daydreaming when he said, "OK lie on the table and let me see something". He proceeded to twist and turn my right leg into positions it hasn't seen since I was 29 and square dancing. Crapola! It hurt! He did apologize for the pain, but said he had to know what muscles I still have left there. Then he made me stand on blocks under the left foot to see leg length difference; they are about 1/2 inch different, and I may need a left shoe lift after I recover. Then he said any questions, and I asked how many hip surgeries he does in one day and he said usually 3 but he will only do 2 next Friday because I might take longer than usual. He has to dig into the hip first before he can make decisions as to what size femur head ball to use, and what thickness socket liner to use, and whether to fracture and cut the femur and tighten the muscles to minimize leg length discrepancies. At that point I says, "OK!! So we are DONE here, I am ready for surgery, and I trust you and let's go for it."
I just wanted him to shut up, do this thing, and stop describing how he will wretch the femur head out of the socket and whack the hell out of muscles etc etc etc. When I was a kid having polio surgeries, I didn't have to know any details! I just had to show up, get surgitized, and then go home to recover without pissing Mom off too much. Now, the dr is giving me too much information!! ;))) I just want to get this over with, get the hell home, and figure out how to wipe me own buttocks after a dump. The "rules" say to not bend at the hips; ya cannot lean forward to make the hip and torso angle smaller than 90 degrees. YOU, dear reader, try to wipe yer butt without leaning forward. Is it doable? I think not.
I just might have to be smelly-butt-stinky-poo unless I humble myself and pay Jordan to wipe me.
So, to continue this saga, I had to get an EKG, donate pee in a cup to the lab; sit thru a very BORING pre-op teaching by a Chinese nurse; I could not understand a word she said except, "AH, I see yuuu here have surgaree soooon, nek weeee, riiii? O.K. I ter yuuu wha yuuu neee to noo, O.K.? Yuuu wrii yuu name heer dees foor pagges, and den I tak too yuu moor. O.K.?" I nodded "yes" like mad as she talked.
So I pretended to read 4 pages of crap, signed them, and put Lucy in reverse to back out of her office, but she caught me and wouldn't let me go until she did her spiel. I kept thinking of M*A*S*H* episodes, but this cookie was Chinese not Korean.
I survived her then submitted my papers up at the call center at work so I can get paid my sick time, convert some vacation hours to sick pay, and with that and state disability, we should be able to afford to keep living whilst recovering. But if any of you want to send money gifts to Mike while I am out of work... feel free to do so. (make the amount have lots of zeros behind the other numbers!!) Before I left the call center some acquaintances of mine waved good-by-see-ya-later and said, " let us know which room you are in so we can visit you in the hospital. " I said, "OK if you want to see my ass hanging out of the back of an open hospital gown." Guess what?? They all went ""EEEEEEUUUUUUUU"! Go figure.
I am so ready for surgery!
later Dudes!
I just wanted him to shut up, do this thing, and stop describing how he will wretch the femur head out of the socket and whack the hell out of muscles etc etc etc. When I was a kid having polio surgeries, I didn't have to know any details! I just had to show up, get surgitized, and then go home to recover without pissing Mom off too much. Now, the dr is giving me too much information!! ;))) I just want to get this over with, get the hell home, and figure out how to wipe me own buttocks after a dump. The "rules" say to not bend at the hips; ya cannot lean forward to make the hip and torso angle smaller than 90 degrees. YOU, dear reader, try to wipe yer butt without leaning forward. Is it doable? I think not.
I just might have to be smelly-butt-stinky-poo unless I humble myself and pay Jordan to wipe me.
So, to continue this saga, I had to get an EKG, donate pee in a cup to the lab; sit thru a very BORING pre-op teaching by a Chinese nurse; I could not understand a word she said except, "AH, I see yuuu here have surgaree soooon, nek weeee, riiii? O.K. I ter yuuu wha yuuu neee to noo, O.K.? Yuuu wrii yuu name heer dees foor pagges, and den I tak too yuu moor. O.K.?" I nodded "yes" like mad as she talked.
So I pretended to read 4 pages of crap, signed them, and put Lucy in reverse to back out of her office, but she caught me and wouldn't let me go until she did her spiel. I kept thinking of M*A*S*H* episodes, but this cookie was Chinese not Korean.
I survived her then submitted my papers up at the call center at work so I can get paid my sick time, convert some vacation hours to sick pay, and with that and state disability, we should be able to afford to keep living whilst recovering. But if any of you want to send money gifts to Mike while I am out of work... feel free to do so. (make the amount have lots of zeros behind the other numbers!!) Before I left the call center some acquaintances of mine waved good-by-see-ya-later and said, " let us know which room you are in so we can visit you in the hospital. " I said, "OK if you want to see my ass hanging out of the back of an open hospital gown." Guess what?? They all went ""EEEEEEUUUUUUUU"! Go figure.
I am so ready for surgery!
later Dudes!
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