little brother died, part one

I feel compelled to write this down... and have no expectations of anyone reading it or commenting; it's for my healing of a traumatic time, but there may be curiosity, so here tis. Read it if you choose.
Not sure why I am putting this particular photo here, but I am... it is from 1952; Mom and Dad are gone now, and one of us had to be next, that's just the way life goes. It was John.
After something unexpectedly crappy happens, I need to sort through the "what just happened here" questions and settle on some acceptable answers for myself so that I can keep on keepin on without being devastated entirely. So I need to write down how it was to deal with my little brother's death by suicide April 16, 2010.
It was that Friday afternoon late that my sister called me to say she had a phone message from the Las Vegas Coroners office asking her to call back. I knew it must mean John died, but I was hoping of course that it was not true. John had written Joan and me a letter in March telling us his girlfriend/fiance broke up with him March 1st, (we'll call her Mz A) and that he was so sad. He told us he loved us, asked forgiveness for any trouble he ever caused us, and said it was hell getting older with physical problems taking their toll. I recall at the time telling Joan "this sounds like a good-bye letter" but she disagreed. But something in my spirit made me read between the lines of what he wrote; I left him a phone message he never returned, and emails he never answered. I assumed he would take a lot of pills and/or street stuff to OD. I knew he had bought a gun some time ago, but he told us that it got stolen from his car.

Joan called the coroner back and a Coroner Investigator told Joan that John had been found dead in his apartment's bathroom with a GSW and his gun was found in his lap. And he probably had been dead for 2 days before he was found. The housing office had Joan's name as next of kin, so she was contacted. She was given a Coroners Office case number 10-3210, told the body was to be released to Davis Mortuary after all the Coroners work was done and told to call back if any questions. I think Joan then gave my name and number as well, and then she called me. I burst out crying saying, "I knew it! I knew it" but I also knew, and still believe, there was nothing I could've ever done to prevent John's suicide; not then, not now, not ever. When people want out like that, they get out without thought to anyone left behind.
Joan asked me why would John shoot himself in the stomach since the gun was in his lap; that didn't make sense that he would do that but at a time like that phone call, one can't think of questions to ask yet as the shock is too great. So the assumption was a stomach GSW. John had left a hand written "living will" naming his Las Vegas friend of 20 years, (we'll call him Mr M) as his power of attorney for health decisions. But upon death, that living will power ends, and the Coroner decided John had died without a will, and next of kin needed to step forward.
Joan dealt with the Davis Mortuary per phone and was told they need $1575 to cremate John. They have a contract with the Coroner but a family can use any other mortuary. I knew John never kept a pot to piss in, so we would need to shop around or this episode was going to cost a fortune.

After I called my kids to let them know about John , I had many questions. I think I called the coroners office in Las Vegas 3 times that weekend. Each time I was connected to a different investigator but each one was very nice and willing to talk to me and let me ask questions. I was given a police incident number and the name and number of the Public Administrator investigator who would be handling John's case. The police case number was 100416-2448. I would learn later that number was the date, and the dash 2448 meant there were already 2447 cases that year in LV Metro Police Homicide files. yikes! I was told no will was found, the police concluded there was no foul play, a passport and some credit cards and the gun and its registration card were taken into evidence. There were house and car keys; John's car was parked at his housing lot as usual. A friend (Mz A) had called the housing office asking for a welfare check on John because she had not heard from him, and when housing maintenance men went to look in his house, they found him in the bathtub dead and called police. I said I was an RN, and although this was my brother, and I was emotional, I wanted details.
The coroner told me the "head post" report showed an intraoral GSW; photos showed John had wrapped himself up in towels, laid down with pillows and covered himself with blankets and shot himself. There would be "blood products" on the towels, and in the tub, but over all it was not too bad a scene. I asked about clean up because I knew about hospital handling of blood products and body fluids, and I knew John had Hepatitis C. I was told we would have to hire a special cleaning service to do the clean up in the bathroom but not to worry, there were many services that did this kind of cleaning. I recall thinking at the time "the hell with that; I'll bag it up myself, or just go in, look around, and leave the Housing Authority to clean it up if they want to rent it again".

There would be Coroners reports I could order (and pay for) if I wanted them: a head post, a toxicology and a Medical examiners report. And there would be a police report too. I was told there was a suicide note I might be able to get, but I should get it from the Coroners office because the police were often reluctant to give these types of notes to families.

He may have been there 2 days before he was found the report said. I was told John's body would be released to Davis Mortuary because that's who the coroner contracts with, and cremation would be about $1500 maybe, but I could use any other mortuary if I called and made other arrangements. I asked why it seemed so expensive, and was told those places are just businesses and can charge whatever they want to charge. The coroner investigator told me there is someone on duty to talk to 24/7 in the coroners' office and to call back again anytime.

I recall using a Funeral Home to cremate Mom in January of 2006, so I look up those papers and find it was Nevada Funeral Service. I call them and a nice man tells me he will cremate for $500. I tell him he's "it" and give him the details. Then I call Coroners office and Davis Funeral to tell them we are using Nevada Funeral services. Sunday the Coroners office calls to ask where to send the body, and I say I already called and will use Nevada Mortuary; she says there is no service by that name, so I go get the papers from Mom and tell her it is "Nevada Funeral Services" on Fremont St, and she says "oh yeah". There would be several more calls like this to either Joan or me from Davis, the coroner, or NV funeral before we can straighten out where to release John's body. You find out real quick that no one talks to each other or takes notes when families call in.

I verify addresses and locations of Public Administrator, Coroner and the funeral home as I talk to people, trying to write everything down and make a plan; so many questions arise. oh God, there is no What-to-do-when-your-brother-commits-suicide Book for Dummies! But there is prayer asking for God's help to direct us and open the right doors to settle things as they should be settled. We ask our friends and family to pray for us as we journey through this, led by the God we trust. We later will look back in amazement with Thanksgiving at how smoothly most things went.
I call our good friends first thing Sat morning to ask if they are at their LV home or CA home, and as luck would have it, there are in LV until May 6 and tell me to come stay with them if I want to come to LV. I think it might be better to go there then to have the pain-in-the-ass of dealing with settling things by phone tag, fax and computer.
Our daughters and their families come over during the blurry weekend; Jordan makes a batch of brownies for comfort food, which I totally hork on; it's difficult to want to eat healthy; sleep doesn't come peacefully; I call a neighbor to come over and talk because her father had died last year in the same way and I ask how she dealt with it; our good family friend JB had come right over Friday night to minister to us. The support I felt was wonderful. And I am forever grateful for its provision.
I get up the courage to call John's friend Mr M. He remembers meeting me and Kim when we went to LV to move Mom's stuff out of her retirement home in 2003 or so. Mr M reads me a letter John had left for him last week. It was given to Mr M by John when John brought over his cat and laptop to Mr M, asking him to care for the cat and computer until John would return from Calif. John said he was going to Calif to look for housing and would move back to LA as soon as he could get public housing. Mr M knew of the breakup between John and Mz A. Mr M said John always brought him a note whenever John left town, giving Mr M "power of attorney" in case something happened to John. John had done this each time he travelled since totalling a car coming home to LV from LA years ago. Mr M said he seldom read the letters since John always made it back ok. He then told me he and John had talked about suicide before, but when John seemed to imply he was going to do it, Mr M "always talked him out of it".
John had been depressed off and on, but Mr M never thought John would actually do it. I tell him when we buried Mom, the veterans cemetery people told us one child or a spouse could be buried with Mom later if need be. Mr M said John knew that and it would be a good thing to do. (We would later find out that a "child" meant a child who was "disabled from childhood" and John didn't qualify for this honor. I would argue that point since John screwed his life up at age 13 and never straightened it out, but I digress.)

Monday it is settled to go to LV after I call the Public Administrator and make an appointment for 1 pm the next day to receive John's belongings taken from his home. I try to google what to do when a person dies without a will in Nevada, and all I get are sites telling me that Las Vegas is the US city with the most suicides in the nation each year. What luck; I figure they'll be a lot of people knowing just what to do for the ignorant families left behind. While I know sarcasm is hurtful, it drives me on.
So on Monday, Mike and I head to LV to stay 8 days with our friends and to try to "settle" things. I've let Mr M know we are coming, and he says that is good because he now has a census job and is so busy and still in shock. We arrive Monday night at our friends' beautiful LV home in a serene gated community and talk late about a "plan" of what to do. The Public Administrators office is a short distance away from their home, so at 1 Pm the next day we will begin our process and learn as we go. We've square danced together, dealt with our kids' problems together, buried some good friends together, but we never cleaned up after a suicide before, although one of her brothers did suicide when he was terminal and his wife left the house for a few minutes. But in John's case there is no wife and no kids. We lean on each other for support as we hunker down to get the job done.